


The Do's and Don'ts of Meeting Your Nemesis

by Quinacridone



Series: Lessons in Being A Good Uncle (By one Perry Fletcher) [4]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), Pre-Canon, Sweetness, nemesis meet-cute?, perry doesn't know what to think about heinz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:49:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21749302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quinacridone/pseuds/Quinacridone
Summary: If there's a proper way to meet your nemesis, Perry is pretty sure running into him at the mall while babysitting isn't it.Luckily, this Heinz Doofenshmirtz guy seems... well, dumb isn't quite right. He's definitely something else though.
Series: Lessons in Being A Good Uncle (By one Perry Fletcher) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1564906
Comments: 15
Kudos: 270





	The Do's and Don'ts of Meeting Your Nemesis

Lessons in Being A Good Uncle:    
The Dos and Don'ts of Meeting Your Nemesis 

Perry had done a lot of unusual things in his lifetime, and met an equally large number of unusual people. He sort of thought of himself as someone who was open minded, if only because his own situation required some open mindedness. After all, he really didn’t have much room to talk. Most ‘normal’ people found him unusual, between the teal hair and selective muteness. And there was the factor of him having not lived anywhere for more than a few months since he was 19 or so… 

All in all, Perry could handle the unusual. He took it with the same attitude he took most things in his life - He didn’t question it. He just dealt with what was in front of him and moved on, leaving the processing factor for ‘what the hell just happened?’ for later.

For example - he could handle his new boss. Perry had been in contact with the Tristate Area O.W.C.A division for the entire process of his transfer from international agent to local agent. Most of the correspondence had been through letters or emails, but it at least made him aware of what to anticipate when it came to who he was answering to these days.

Meeting Monogram face-to face was…. Something else. It wasn’t that he was hard to deal with or anything, he was just… Well, Perry didn’t quite have a word for it. The guy was clearly skilled at what he did, what with managing the entire division and he seemed very pleased to have Perry on his team, but he was also far less intense than any of Perry’s previous higher ups. Perry could handle that. It wasn’t something he was used to, sure, but he could handle that. 

He wasn’t sure what to think of the first time he met Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz. 

It took about two weeks from Perry moving into the Flynn-Fletcher house for Monogram to assign him a target. Or a nemesis, apparently. What was even weirder was the fact that the first time they met, it wasn’t even while Perry was working.

Having a third adult in the house seemed to be a benefit for Lawrence and Linda. Perry could only imagine what it was like to deal with all three kids constantly and deal with managing the entire house, and a business on top of that. So he wasn’t annoyed in the slightest to be asked to take Candace and a couple of her friends to the mall while the boys hung out at the Antique shop. Herding eleven year olds might not exactly be Perry’s idea of a good time, nor was watching them jump from store to store, debating between makeup and clothing for their next year of school but, well, whatever. 

He could deal with it.

That was until he walked straight into the guy he was supposed to be thwarting now.

Literally, straight into him.

In hindsight, it was probably Perry’s fault. He was a secret agent after all, he really should’ve been more aware of his surroundings. But Candace was on one side, getting stressed about shirt colours and Stacy was on the other side, loudly debating with Jenny about if it was okay for a grade seven to wear lipstick (Perry had shot down them buying lipstick), and so Perry was trying to comfort his niece while simultaneously shooting the other two looks of ‘really, this is how you’re going to try to get what you want?’ when he walked straight into a tall, hunched over guy.

Who was talking loudly about how  _ annoying  _ food courts were.

“-I mean, you have to wait in line for some food that’s just going to taste the same wherever you go, and it’s all so expensive! I mean, I could make all of this at home for way cheaper. Well, I could, but I’d probably just build an -inator to do it for me. Vanessa, dear, have you told your little friends what I-”   
His speech was interrupted by Perry, walking straight into his chest. Perry’s glasses got dislodged in the process, sending them to the ground. He blinked a few times, squinting up at the man.

His heart immediately started beating a hundred times faster, because he recognized the guy. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. The same guy he was supposed to be following starting tomorrow.

Perry had to think he was cursed.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there…” Heinz’s voice trailed off with the look of intense displeasure Perry sent him. He got it. He was short. Not everyone needed to rub it in. “... Well, I suppose it was kind of my fault for not looking where I was going. See, I’m trying to keep an eye on my daughter, I guess you know what that’s like seeing as you have those three with you.”

Perry signed  _ don’t apologize. My fault. They aren’t my daughters.  _ Before realizing that Heinz probably didn’t speak sign language. He sighed and dug around for his notepad.

Candace, luckily, hopped in to translate. She also, rather helpfully, handed Perry his glasses. “He said it was his fault and not to apologize. And that we’re not his daughters. Obviously. I’m his niece.”

“Oh, well, I’m sorry! I guess that was sign language- I don’t know much sign language. I only really speak German and English. Well, Drusselsteinian German, at least. They’re very similar so I understand why people think they’re the same, but they’re really not-”

“Da-ad!” A young voice interrupted them. A girl, about Candace’s age, was standing further down the walkway. She and both of her friends were dressed in black and looked like a kids first attempt at Goth. It kind of made Perry laugh.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I need to go catch up with her. I’m sorry Vanessa, I’ll be right there sweetie!” Heinz said before giving Perry a smile, “It was so nice to meet you!”

Perry smiled weakly and nodded and Heinz headed off to catch up with the girl, obviously Vanessa.

He just hoped the guy wouldn’t remember him later on.

* * *

The following day, Perry was in full work mode. He’d been shadowing Heinz for most of the afternoon, following him from store to store to get a feel for his rhythm. Mostly it seemed he was just doing groceries and typical shopping, although he did pause to get his picture taken at one point.

That was also when he glanced in Perry’s direction. Perry ducked behind a mailbox and waited for him to keep going.

If he wasn’t wrong, Heinz looked a little bit more pleased after that situation.

Perry decided to drop in and introduce himself that evening. Might as well make the guy’s day even more. Or make it worse, depending on how much he wanted a nemesis.

So Perry dropped down onto the balcony of his rather nicely placed apartment. He was kind of surprised that this guy could afford this place, since he was apparently living off of alimony and was unemployed. But then again, it could be that it was just really cheap. Perry watched Heinz in his lab for a bit, before making an entrance. He casually stepped in, leaning against the wall where Heinz would see him once he turned. A few minutes later, he did and he jumped with surprise.

“Where did you come from?! I swear I locked the door and I know I didn’t hear a knock.” Heinz started. 

Perry just tipped his hat politely.

Heinz blinked and then a grin split his face, “Oh! You’re from that organization! You must be my nemesis! I’m so excited to finally meet you! You know, I’m so happy I’m finally evil enough to need a nemesis, it really does good for my self esteem. And besides, the other evil scientists around here can stop being so rude. I mean really, that Rodney guy was getting insufferable.”   
Perry just let him talk. He seemed to enjoy it.   
“Now then, what do I call you? Do you have a name, or like.. A codename, I guess? I suppose I could make one up but that feels kind of weird. I don’t really want to name you myself. That feels rather rude, to just name a person.”

Perry pulled out a business card from his pocket and offered it to him. Heinz took it and read it. “... oh! Your name is Agent P! For Perry! So should I just call you Perry, or Agent Perry? Or do you prefer Agent P? I don’t really know how this works, this is my first time with a nemesis you know.”

Perry shrugged. Honestly, it was up to him.

“I think I’ll call you Perry then.” Doof decided. “Although that feels rather boring and short.. Lets see… Perry the.. Perry the.. Perry the Platypus!”

Perry almost, almost broke his composure when Heinz triumphantly yelled ‘Perry the Platypus’. It was a little known thing that each O.W.C.A agent had a codename given to them to identify them in documentation and files without using their actual name. It was an even lesser known thing that they didn’t pick their codenames. Instead, it was a tradition for a graduating group of agents to pick them for each other, a sort of reward after spending the last two years in intense training. The only ‘rules’ were that it had to be an animal and if possible, it had to start with the same letter as their agent letter. There were cases where that second one wasn’t followed, since the rules were unofficial and sort of more tradition than anything.

Perry, incidentally, had been given the codename ‘The Platypus’. Perry didn’t know why his classmates had settled on that, but he did know that it was Peter who’d come up with it. Something about him being short, Australian and hard to find.

Perry had retaliated by giving Peter the codename ‘the Panda’. Because pandas were, in his opinion, one of the least threatening creatures on the face of the planet. It was really hard for a panda to look scary. They were so fluffy and adorable and stupid. 

So when Heinz had decided to call him ‘Perry the Platypus’, Perry had almost broken his composure to either laugh hysterically or scream. What was it with platypuses and him anyway?

He managed not to and instead shot Heinz a quizzical look.

Heinz shrugged, “well, you remind me of a platypus. I don’t really know why, since your hair is teal and all.. But you just sort of do. It sounds good too, doesn’t it? Perry the Platypus.. It has a ring to it! Oh oh, I just came up with a name for my building! Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated! There’s even going to be a jingle and everything. I’m having them install the sign tomorrow, since the only company that’d do it within my budget doesn’t work today. It will be really official when it’s done though. I’ll be an official evil scientist!”

Perry nodded along, just watching the guy. Clearly Heinz didn’t recognize him from yesterday. Did he just have made facial recognition? A terrible memory? Was the teal hair really not a dead giveaway?   
He let Heinz give him a full tour of the lab, not only because he looked so excited but also because it gave Perry a chance to scan the apartment for entrances. He’d have to make sure O.W.C.A didn’t put hidden cameras in some of the more residential areas. There was a kid living here on the occasional weekend, after all.

Once Perry was finally free to leave (after about an hour of listening to Heinz talk and becoming more fascinated and confused in equal measures), he took off from the balcony, glancing back to see Heinz grinning at him as he flew away with his jetpack.

Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Definitely not what Perry had anticipated when it came to evil scientists.

Even while writing up his report, he had to acknowledge that even he was taken by surprise by the guy. Even he, Agent P, one of O.W.C.A’s best, had absolutely no idea what his time with the Tristate division would involve, especially when it came to one Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

And to be fair to Perry, he wasn’t wrong. He had absolutely no idea what the next five years would bring. 

**Author's Note:**

> For timeline reference, this takes place after Breaking Point and Family is a Six Letter Word, but before Graduations and Time Management.   
> Aka what happens when someone says 'meetcute' and you're writing uncle Perry stuff. Also what happens when someone asks why he's 'Perry the Platypus' to Heinz.  
> Sidenote: Peter should be appearing soon. Because I like him a lot and I like his human interpretation.  
> I hope yall enjoyed this slightly humorous look at their first encounter. It isn't as fluffy as some of the previous stuff, but it's some important timeline building things.


End file.
